depression...

I've been having a few problems lately so popped over to webMD.. I can cause myself so very much trouble over there.. but, at the same time, it has helped me in the past, so I went again. I've been having minor memory lapses and trouble sleeping and been a bit more clumsy then usual and all and, due to some things I'd been reading and seeing on TV, I was starting to worry I might have some sort of neurological problem..
Scary thought, but, given my family history, not entirely out of the question.. So I wanted to see what they might have to say before I started calling doctors in a panic :)
Based on what I plinked out in the symptom checker, and eliminating the obviously non applicable.. the 2 that stood out as likely candidates were MS (also a real concern, my mom has it, so that could raise my odds..) or Depression.....
Depression is such a big scary word anymore, but one I'd been down before a time or two so I was happy to see it there, and, really, it makes sense. I'm finally getting the chance right now to process all of everything that went on last year. All that stress and fear has finally been released and is screwing with me now. All the fears and stress of Tom's separation during his deployment, even though it was to a "safe" zone. All the stress of having to deal with the reoccurring basement floods, the busted water heater, the broken septic line. The worry over how to pay for everything that kept going wrong. All the stress and fear over all my own health problems last year. The realization that I kept putting off and blocking out, that yes, I really could have died last year if we hadn't caught everything when we did, and even then, it was a close call. Even the happy stress of his homecoming, and the kids coming for Christmas, and the older kids moving home and bringing the grand baby.. All of it has taken a toll and it got put on lay a way.. but now it has all come due and is hitting me like a ton of bricks.
It will pass. Now that I am once again reassured by WebMD that it is most likely just depression and not the end of the world (though if things don't improve in the next month, there may still be panicked calls to doctors..). As mentioned, I've been through this before.. Way back when in college, I had a really bad year. I'd been under a good deal of stress anyway, and then people started dying. A cousin was killed in a car accident, 2 friends each lost their mothers, several other more distant relatives passed away, and one of our dogs died. At some point I just got to where I couldn't deal with it anymore and had to take some time off from school. I tried antidepressants at that time, and really decided that they didn't work for me. I didn't feel any better, I just felt numb. So I didn't take them. I just went on. I worked through the grief, through the pain, and learned how to move on.
I'm better at that now. It may be hard at times, but I will manage, always do :) The fact that my mind has decided that now is the time I can handle this process means that life is pretty much back to what passes for normal around here.

Why is it always weekends??

I was planning on trying to get a bunch of things done yesterday. It was warm and sunny, there were things I could do in the yard. We have a neighborhood meeting Tuesday night that I need to get paperwork ready for. I was trying to clean my desk and the kitchen. Laundry would have been nice to get done. Gotta start getting things ready for my step daughters to arrive in a month. Lots of things to do...
Nope. Instead we had a crisis. A small, furry crisis.

The big baby of the weekend has been our little 3 year old Pomeranian, Gobo. He was born with several birth defects and has had ongoing problems of one sort or another it seems. Last year he started having all sorts of skin problems and fevers. Vets couldn't figure out what was going on, because he'd always clear up the day before his appointment. We thought we'd figured out that he was having a food allergy, and after a few changes, she seemed to be all clear again. Yesterday something set him off and I discovered that he had chewed a large strip of fur and skin off his back. Not good. So I gave him a good shave and rubbed him down with some ointment and gave him some benedryl (vets had said it would help with the itching and fever) and put then he got all dressed in his little purple pj's to keep him from getting to it.
He was still all jumpy and itchy and the only thing that would calm him down was if I was holding him. So I spent most of yesterday with a little dog pouch strapped to my chest.
This was not the first time, and probably won't be the last time with him. I actually managed to get a few things done, (ok, I got my desk partially cleared and watched a bunch of Doctor Who online while he napped) so I was happy. Even though I didn't get all the things done that I'd really wanted to do, I simply can not feel as though I "wasted" a day being tied to the dog.
He is feeling better today and is currently napping on the other side of the room, though I suspect he will come over soon and want me to pick him up. Now that the swelling and redness have gone down, it looks like this round might have been due to some sort of bug bite or sting, which is much better then the other options for what might have caused it and it should start healing soon, though he will be in the pj's for a while.. (The bare patch is about 1 inch wide and nearly 3 inches long, so gonna have a big, itchy scab for a while..)
And yes, yes, he was named after Gobo Fraggle, though if people ask who are not familiar with our weird Muppet ways, we tell them it was a contraction of "good boy".. it just saves the headaches of trying to explain the entire history of Muppetdom.. and, honestly, that is kinds of how I got the idea for his name.. we couldn't decide which Muppet to name him after and once when I was telling him he was being a "good boy" it got kind of slurred into Gobo and it just kind of went from there.. though he's not much of a brave explorer... unless mommy's there to protect him. lol

ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION...

... Cuz things may not be meaning what you thought they meant....

Ok, so as mentioned previously, I'd injured my hip. I made an appointment for last Monday with my chiropractor to have that worked on.. I've seen him twice now and hip seems to be more or less all better, I go in again next week to make sure...

But, Sunday at church, I was in a good deal of pain and asked for a Priesthood blessing. In this blessing I was told a few things. Most important to this story is this: That I was definately in need of medical assistance, that that if I wanted to improve, I would have to follow the doctor's orders carefully. This seemed a bit of overkill for the hip, but things then started to worry me... I started going all paranoid that there was something else wrong that I wasn't seeing. Well, at me second appointment yesterday with my chiropractor, this cough i've been having for a while popped in and it was brought to my attention just how long i've had the thing and that i should see someone for it..

There was the nudge I needed to understand the blessing, so this morning I called a local doctor's office and made an appointment. Managed to get in this morning, which really shocked me, but has turned out to be a very good thing.

The good news... I'm alive.. and moving and alert.. these are all apparently options for not happening...

Turns out that I'm seriously anemic (as in why havne't I started turning blue aorund the edges yet??) my blood ox level is down right around where they start passing out O2 tanks, and my bloos presure is up near stroke levels.. so... I was sent home with a slew of meds to take and am to go back in a week to see if anything is helping.. once we get all of this under control then we can start digging for a cause. It is possible that this is just some nasty cyclical thing in response to the local volcano, and we're really hoping for that one.. at least I am.. as it would mean that once we get that cycle broken, this will all go away and I won't need all these extra meds.

This does at least explain why I haven't been able to loose weight though.. at least somewhat... so I suppose that's a good thing. the knowing why that is...

Anyway.. any and all good thoughts, prayes, positive energy vibes, etc that anyone wants to send my way would be greatly apprechiated.